Summer with Tucholsky | The Human

Humans have two legs and two beliefs: one when things are going well, and one when things are going badly. The latter is called religion.

Man is a vertebrate and has an immortal soul, as well as a fatherland, so that he does not become too arrogant.

Humans are created naturally, but they perceive this as unnatural and don't like to talk about it. They are created, but they aren't asked whether they want to be created.

Man is a useful creature because he serves to drive up oil stocks through the death of soldiers, to increase the profits of mine owners through the death of miners, as well as to promote culture, art, and science.

Besides the urge to reproduce and to eat and drink, humans have two passions: making noise and not listening. One could practically define humans as beings who never listen. If they are wise, they are right to do so: for they rarely hear anything sensible. People very much enjoy hearing promises, flattery, recognition, and compliments. When it comes to flattery, it's always best to be three notches harsher than you think is possible.

Humans don't begrudge their species anything, so they invented laws. They're not allowed to, so neither should others.

To rely on someone, it's best to sit on them; then, at least for the time being, you're sure they won't run away. Some also rely on character.

Man is divided into two parts:

Into a male who doesn't want to think, and into a female who can't. Both have so-called feelings: these are most reliably evoked by activating certain nerve points in the organism. In these cases, some people secrete poetry.

Man has two passions: making noise and not listening.

Humans are herbivorous and carnivorous creatures; on journeys to the North Pole, they occasionally eat members of their own species; but this is counterbalanced by fascism.

Humans are political creatures who prefer to spend their lives huddled together in groups. Each group hates the other groups because they are other groups, and hates its own because they are its own. This latter hatred is called patriotism.

Every human being has a liver, a spleen, a lung, and a spleen; all four organs are vital. There are said to be people without a liver, without a spleen, and with half a lung; there are no people without a spleen.

Humans like to stimulate weak reproductive activity, and they have many means to do so: bullfighting, crime, sport, and the administration of justice.

There are no such things as human beings being one with another. There are only those who rule and those who are ruled. Yet no one has ever ruled himself, because the opposing slave is always more powerful than the government-hungry master. Every person is inferior to himself.

When a person feels he can no longer stand upright, he becomes pious and wise; he then renounces the sour grapes of the world. This is called inner contemplation. Different ages of human beings consider each other to be different races: Old people have usually forgotten that they were young, or they forget that they are old, and young people never understand that they can grow old.

People don't want to die because they don't know what will happen next. If they imagine they know, they don't want to die either, because they want to stay with the old for a while longer. "A little" here means forever.

Besides, humans are living beings who knock on doors, play bad music, and let their dogs bark. Sometimes they give us peace, but then they're dead.

Besides humans, there are also Saxons and Americans, but we haven't had them yet and won't learn zoology until the next class.

The text first appeared in the “Weltbühne” in June 1931.